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Robin Sparkles aka Soupface Killah
There is a squirrel in my apartment.

Well, I think it's a squirrel. I haven't actually seen it, which is good because if I did I would probably have the epic freakout to end all epic freakouts. I'm basing my assumption that it's a squirrel on past information and anecdotes from my landlord and neighbors/housemates.

Whatever it is, it's always kinda been there. And it's been mostly just annoying, until this past Saturday, when I realized it had found a hole under my sink and was getting into my trash. I pulled my trash out and resolved to call my landlord on Monday. And then, not five minutes later, I saw the cupboard door opening. I ran to it and slammed it shut, and then followed the noise of the animal's mad dash up the wall with my eyes and ears. I called my landlord, who told me that it would be hard to get somebody to come deal with the problem the next day, "it being Sunday and all." And then I left my house as calmly as I could, called my friend, went to her house and promptly lost my shit. I spent the night at her house that night, and then made it through Sunday without incident (it helped that I had blocked the cupboards with chairs). All the while, all I could think was that I was living through my own personal version of The Money Pit. My nightmare is that the squirrel will jump out at me and...gah. I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to watch that movie again.

Cut to Monday: this kindly old man, who either works for my landlord or actually owns the house, comes to take a look. His solution is to put a trap under the sink and for me to call him if/when the squirrel gets caught. I stare at him and nod, because I don't know what else to do. I go to work so tightly wound up that I'm on the verge of tears for the first half hour.

When the kindly old man called my cell phone I nearly jumped ten feet in the air, and he told me that my landlord had decided to do something else, but he didn't know what.  At that point I had to step away for a few minutes and cry. When I finally got to talk to my landlord, he told me that they were actually going to bring in an animal control company the next day and really try to get to the bottom of the problem once and for all. I felt relieved and grateful, and I thought that, ok, it's almost over.

Except that it's not. As far as I can tell, no one has come to look at the house, and the squirrel is still here, and it is a persistent little fucker. I've still got the chairs blocking the cupboards (which makes it hard to use the sink), but now it's back in the ceiling, and about an hour ago it seemed to be trying very, very hard to tear away at one of the ceiling tiles. And so I'm terrified of being at my house, and equally scared of leaving. If this thing is going to invade my kitchen, I want to be here to try and get rid of it - don't I?

And the worst part of this is that so many people keep saying "call animal control!" as if I haven't thought of that. If it were up to me, I'd have dealt with this a long time ago. But that's the thing about renting: I'm at the mercy of these people's laziness/cheapskateness, and I can bug them as much as I want, but how much good does it do me? Yeah, I could call someone to come get the squirrel, but then I'd get stuck with the bill, and I know there's no way that my landlord would reimburse me.

And so I feel like a broken record: OMG SQUIRREL! AGAIN! And I hate it, because there are other things going on, in my life and in the world at large, and all I can think about is the damn squirrel. And I don't want to complain about it, because everyone's automatic response is "call animal control" but there are reasons why I can't/won't, and so I feel like I should just shut up about it. But holy mother of whatever there is a squirrel trying to invade my kitchen and it is turning me into a paranoid ball of shattered nerves and I just want it to get dealt with. I feel like I've been on the verge of a panic attack for a week now and it's just one thing after another and I just need something good to happen. Just one thing, even if it has nothing to do with the squirrel. I feel like there are so many things in my life that are up in the air and the longer they stay there the less likely it becomes that they'll ever get resolved.

Current Mood: nervousunbelievably tense
Current Music: Amanda Palmer - "Leeds United"
Robin Sparkles aka Soupface Killah
18 February 2010 @ 01:27 am
I don't think Feminism, as a monolithic concept, will ever work because there are too many different kinds of women, with too many different life experiences and points of view. And I think some people think this is a bad thing, because they so need to have a concrete definition of what is a feminist and what's not, and within that, what makes for a good feminist versus a bad feminist.

And I'm sick of it. I think at this point, if somebody bases their argument against somebody/something based on whether or not that somebody/something is hurting feminism, I'm just going to stop paying attention - or, at the very least, take it with a giant grain of salt. Because I think that sometimes people spend so much time focusing on what's good for feminism that they forget to pay attention to what's good for women (and not just Women as a whole, but women individually). There is actually a difference sometimes, I truly believe that.

Why should a woman limit herself, her creativity, her search for something new or different, just because she has to worry that people might not get it, or they'll be offended by it, or, highest of crimes, that she'll be accused of not glorifying Feminism (however the hell one is supposed to do that)? And this is why Feminism will never work: women are always going to disagree about things. But that's ok! Debate and disagreement can be good things! As long as what one person is doing doesn't actually hurt someone else (I'm not talking about offending - someone will always get offended), why does it matter to someone else what one person does?

So what I'm saying is, we need more people, more women, who are willing to do things for themselves, because they want to do them. This is a battle cry for selfishness, for artistic expression, for stay-at-home-motherhood, for doing whatever makes you happy, even if other people may not understand it.

I'm probably going to look at this in the light of day and wonder what the hell I'm trying to say, but I'm not going to regret trying to work this out in my head and writing it down here.


Current Music: Florence + The Machine
Robin Sparkles aka Soupface Killah
You know, I never realized just how much of Dress to Kill is relevant to the Olympics. But it's true!

Example the First: I thought of this last night while I was watching the American skier lady get her gold medal.

Example Deux: I was just watching snowboarding, which looks dangerous and not fun.

In conclusion: there is always an appropriate Eddie Izzard reference, no matter the situation.

Robin Sparkles aka Soupface Killah
18 January 2010 @ 05:06 pm
One of the few perks of working at the art gallery as long as I did was that I amassed a rather fantastic and eclectic collection of artwork.  However, because a lot of the pieces were gifts or sold to me at a really awesome discount, many of them aren't framed.  And I should have gotten them framed when I still worked at the gallery, because I had contacts and I knew people who could have done it super cheap but still really nicely.  At this point, I'm pretty much on my own.

I mean, there are places I can go to buy frames, or get some custom framing done, but I'm trying to stay within my very, very tight budget.  And I went to look at frames this weekend, and again today, and Michael's was having a huge sale, so I was like SWEET.  But then I just started looking around and waffling and trying to figure out what might work or what might not.  And I only got one frame (for $4, so that was awesome, and the painting looks fantastic), because I have these three pieces that are giving me the biggest headaches.  Well, one more than the other two, because it's a drawing on a piece of scrap paper.  I love this piece, it was a gift from a friend, and I know exactly how I want it matted and framed.  However, because I want something that's so specific, I probably need to get it custom framed, and that always costs more.

Oh my god what shallow problems to have.  But seriously, I have had all this artwork for years and years now, and most of it has just been sitting in a box waiting for me to get around to doing something with it.  And now I'm in my new place, and I feel like the adult thing to do is to have nice, framed artwork hanging on the walls.  And I want to frame some interesting posters, too, because I feel that the age of pushpins has come and gone.  And I don't know why I let myself stress over this.  It's not like I have a deadline; it's not like I'm having a dinner party next week.  I just...gah, I want my house to look the way it does in my head.
Robin Sparkles aka Soupface Killah
14 January 2010 @ 01:46 am
I am having a serious sewer issue.

My toilet, since around 10pm, has been bubbling and gurgling, and for some reason I don't own a plunger (don't ask me why, it's on my list GET OFF MY BACK). But it wasn't clogged, it was just flushing rather oddly. Nothing was getting gurgled up, so I decided, ok, that's cool, wait until tomorrow, get a plunger, maybe it'll fix itself. Oh, if only...

An hour ago or so, the bubbling and gurgling sounded really intense, so I went in to check. Not only was the water in the toilet murky (to say the least), but there was now water in my tub, and it was definitely not the color you want to see. So I called my landlord's emergency number, because I think, at this point, that this qualifies as an emergency. The guy answers the phone and when I tell him the problem, he seems pissed that I'm calling at midnight about this. Gosh, what do I expect him to do? It's not like there are plumbers who are on call at all hours of the day or night for situations just like this - except, oh yeah, THERE ARE, YOU ASSHAT, and why can't you call one of them? Hell, why can't I call one of them? His solution is to not use the toilet and he'll get somebody there first thing in the morning.

So...great. Now I just have to hope that the situation doesn't get worse in the next 8 hours. And there is no way I am going to be able to sleep tonight. My chest feels tighter than a something that's really tight, and I am absolutely terrified that my toilet and/or my bathtub is going to overflow. And then on top of all this, my upstairs neighbors are doing laundry. I can hear the machine. This is an old house, we're all on the same water bill, the same pipes, and I'm sorry but I can't help but think/hope that I'm not the only one having an issue right now, and that running a washing machine is maybe not helping the situation. But I barely know this woman (she scares the crap out of me, to be honest) and I don't want to just bang on her door at 1am and say "hey, I think your washing machine is making the pipes angry."

I know I live in an old house (there's "character" and then there's "shitty" and this place is constantly straddling that line). And the toilet hasn't overflowed yet. But that is a big yet. And after the week I've had and all the shit I've had to deal with regarding this place, I am just beyond frustrated with everything, especially myself. I moved into this place knowing it wasn't perfect, but what I've been dealing with lately is ridiculous. On at least two occasions in the past week I've been able to see a squirrel walking along my ceiling tiles (at one point I was seriously afraid that it was going to fall through the ceiling, right on top of me, while I was making dinner - if that thing had ruined my mac and cheese I was going to cut a bitch), and I'm finally, finally getting a new refrigerator because there are bugs in my freezer. I actually went into the office with a few of the bugs wrapped in plastic wrap, and that seemed to get their attention; the lady at the front desk had the decency to be genuinely horrified. But right now I can't use my toilet, and I'm not going to be able to shower in the morning, and that'll be the least of my problems because I will not have slept a wink. I'd make myself some coffee, but then I'd have to go to the bathroom, and...well.

Current Location: my crappy, crappy house
Current Mood: enragedare you fucking kidding me
Robin Sparkles aka Soupface Killah
11 January 2010 @ 10:11 pm
First, watch this:

Let me give a little background information: I was kinda "meh" about Lady Gaga until I heard this song and watched the video. I watched the video ten times in a row, at least. At that point, I threw up my hands and shouted, "you win, Lady Gaga! I give up!" I am now a total Lady Gaga fan. I love her. I think she's fabulous. I've spent the last month or so evangelizing for her, with varying degrees of success (My brother: "You know she has a penis." Me: "No she doesn't." Him: "GOOGLE IT.")  I've also watched this video more times than I can count.

That being said, now watch this:

Ladies and gentlemen, this is dedication. Bravo, y'all.

Robin Sparkles aka Soupface Killah
Last night I dreamed that I was on So You Think You Can Dance, and then I woke up convinced it was real. The weird thing is, I remember so much about this dream, and most of the time, I only remember vague images and random plot lines, so to speak.

But I remember that Danny from Season 2 was my partner, which was awesome, because I love Danny, I still wish he'd won. And we were doing a Mia Michaels dance, and I can remember certain moves we did. My hair looked really pretty, and I was wearing this burnt rust/orange-y colored dress, which looked much prettier in my head than how it's described here. And so we're doing this dance, and it's obviously emotional, and my face is just not moving AT ALL. Like, my eyes are down at the floor almost the whole time, and I look Botoxed and pissed off. It's so strange. And I remember the song we were dancing to (the Jason Mraz song that Jeanine and Jason danced to this past season, "If It Kills Me"), and I thought it went really well, until we got to this one point and I had to put my left leg up in arabesque, and for some reason I could neither lift nor straighten my leg, and I looked like an ungainly cow.

So then we went to stand in front of the judges, although for some reason we came up behind them (don't ask me why) and I'm assuming Mia was crying because her eye makeup was all smudged, and then, if I'm remembering correctly, I just started saying "buttocks" over and over again for no reason.

And then I watched the video of us dancing on YouTube and all the comments were like "OMG that Robin girl sucks" and they were right, I did suck. And then I woke up thinking that all of this really happened, and that I needed to go watch the video to see if I sucked just as bad as I thought I did. I actually had to remind myself that I have never been on an nationally televised dance competition.

The End.
Robin Sparkles aka Soupface Killah
01 November 2009 @ 01:27 pm

The world requires a mashup of this. It would be glorious.

Robin Sparkles aka Soupface Killah
19 October 2009 @ 05:14 pm
After many months of scoping out leads on the internet, I finally started the actual apartment hunt today. And I very nearly applied for one. Normally, I don't consider myself an impulsive person, but thinking back on my previous forays into apartment rentals, this is the one area that seems to be the exception to that rule. I was about to go to the bank and take out a chunk of change for a deposit, but then I called my boyfriend and my mom and they were both like "whoa, squirrel, what?" (this will make sense in a bit) and I realized that maybe I should look around a bit more.

I looked at two places today. I'll start with the second one, because I immediately ruled that out. Even before I saw it, I knew it was out of my price range, but it had laundry facilities in the basement, and it was in this really gorgeous historic house, and so I wanted to see it. And I'm glad I saw it, but seriously? The bedroom was tiny, the bathroom was smaller than my utility closet at our current place, and there was practically no closet space. Apparently, laundry facilities are a great excuse to jack up the price on a place.

Anyway, back to the first one: I am almost in love with this place. Let me count the ways:

-It's hella cheap, especially for the size. I was shocked at how much space there was. Also: first month's rent is free, and if I move in in mid-November, I can count December as my first month (Actually, I think I totally kinda scammed them about that, and I didn't even mean to - it was more like they scammed themselves, and I just went along and nodded and smiled really pretty.)
-It has carpeting. Not that I don't love hardwood floors, but hardwood floors means you just have to go out and buy a rug or two, and that shit gets expensive.
-There are two huge closets, both of which have shelving, plus a storage nook type of thing in the kitchen. YAY SPACE TO PUT STUFF. Pack Rat Robin is pleased.
-The kitchen is huge. Not that I'm all about cooking, but I don't like tiny kitchens, they make me feel claustrophobic. And, again, space to put stuff.
-The bathroom has a good-sized tub, a big mirror, and a very big counter top. I am all about the big counter tops.
-It's in this nice old house that is within walking distance of work, in a neighborhood I know really well.

So. All that is great. But, when I first went in and looked around, I couldn't help noticing that there was a bunch of crud on the floor in the kitchen, and that something plastic bag-y looking seemed to be hanging from the ceiling. As I got closer, I looked up and noticed a GIANT GAPING CEILING TILE-SHAPED HOLE. Fortunately, I had my handy-dandy camera with me, and as I was already taking pictures of the rest of the apartment, I took some shots of this mess as well.

When I got back to the rental office, I said to the lady, very nicely, "I love this place except for the giant hole in the ceiling." I expected her to nod knowingly and explain it, but she just looked at me as if I'd started speaking a foreign language. I pulled out my camera, showed her the picture, and she and her colleagues said "why don't you come back here." They let me into the back part of the office and asked me to show the picture to the maintenance guy, who was also shocked, but informed me that apparently there had been a squirrel in the building, and the squirrel catcher dude probably removed the ceiling tile in his attempts to get the squirrel. Or something. He assured me that they'd fix it.

And then I almost put down a deposit on the place because, despite the squirrel, I really did like it. But then I talked to Brian and my mom, and they brought me back to reality. I know I should look around for other (hopefully squirrel-free) apartments, that I should keep my options open. My fear is that I won't find anything better, and that by the time I go back to this office to apply for the apartment, someone else will have gotten it, and then I'll be screwed. I just have to hope that whoever looks at it can't see past the giant gaping hole. Fingers and toes crossed.